Parallel Worlds Exist

Wendy’s: Portal to a Parallel World

Wendy's: Portal to a Parallel World

Parallel worlds exist!  For a wormhole near you, look no further than your neighborhood Wendy’s.

After being skeptical my entire adult life, I’m now convinced that parallel worlds exist.  Theoretical physicists have been looking for tangible evidence of this fact for years, but haven’t yet presented any conclusive proof.  Well, I say forget about all of the theorizing.  Scrap the Quantum Mechanics and String Theory hypotheses.  I have that conclusive proof.  It’s factual and indisputable, and I found it at Wendy’s.

Here’s the thing:  I watch a lot of TV, and everyone knows that there’s no better source for hard facts and objective truths than what’s displayed across a 65-incher’s LED flat screen.  Whether it’s politics, current events, or, in this case, hard science, our betters who open and close the televised info-content floodgates know what’s real and what’s not.  Just like they know what’s best for us viewers.  So when what looked and smelled to me like Honest to Pete proof of an actual parallel world, well, goldarn it, I knew I was on to something.  It was a Wendy’s commercial that cinched it for me.

The source of my evidence, naturally, is TV, that unimpeachable fountainhead of indisputable truth.  I was watching a show that was called something like “Portals to Parallel Worlds” (sandwiched in a time slot between a “Paranormal Caught on Tape” episode and “Bestia Peluda: Terrifying Encounters with the Uruguayan Bigfoot”).  There were two guys featured on the “Portals to Parallel Worlds” show who were definitely experts (they wouldn’t be on TV if they weren’t) on this topic.  One of them – the older of the two – had white hair and a soul patch.  He wore a bolo tie and huge wire-rimmed glasses, and was a renowned expert on, among other things, parallel worlds.  Also, he was the author of a book about the Trilateral Commission’s sinister ties to K-pop.  The younger guy wore a backward baseball cap and had a big beard going for him and a nose ring.  He was renowned, too: a parallel world investigator.  Both of these pros agreed that there were some definite facts about parallel worlds that those hunting for them should keep in mind.  First, there are things called wormholes.  These are tears in the time-space continuum through which access to parallel worlds or parallel universes can be gained.  And where there’s one wormhole, according to the “Portals to Parallel Worlds” experts, there are probably others.  Those hunting for parallel worlds should look for groups of wormholes instead of just one.  Another thing that the “Parallel Worlds” guys explained is that when people from a parallel world come through a wormhole and show up in this world, even though they probably won’t have any conscious memories of their previous world, they’ll probably maintain “vestigial personality traits and mannerisms” that are remnants of their former lives in their past parallel world. 


So right after “Portals to Parallel Worlds” is over, and right before the Bigfoot from Uruguay show starts, there’s a Wendy’s commercial.  In this commercial, there’s a group of four Wendy’s employees, referred to as “the crew” by the perky, attractive, exceptionally erudite young woman, who’s evidently the group’s spokesperson.  You know she’s got a killer bod underneath that Wendy’s uniform, and she knows it, too.  She exercises a sort of incongruent matronly benevolence when discussing the antics of the crew.  This crew enjoys a collegiality that seems to be rooted more deeply and extensively than what might be expected from one merely forged by the shared experience of working a $9/hour job with a constantly changing schedule at a fast food joint.  This is my first clue that we TV viewers might actually be dealing with a parallel world, with this Wendy’s location as its wormhole.  I mean these people – this crew – know each other really, really well.  Each member is aware of the others’ individual strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes.  There’s an ease among these people, a tacit, gracile contrition made evident by good-natured, high-brow derision and, ultimately, mutual respect and professional courtesy.  Using my own expertise (gleaned from the recently viewed parallel worlds TV show) as a reference, my first impression is that these people may have worked on some important project together for a really long time in a parallel world.  Some extremely important project.  Like a new mobile app, or a Windows Update.  Something like that.  Again, in a parallel world.  Remember, the experts say that parallel world people will probably retain some elements of their old, parallel world personalities and experiences.  There’s a familiarity here – a depth – that transcends standing around the deep fryer together.

As I watch the commercial unfold, more evidence presents itself that parallel worlds exist, and that this Wendy’s is, in fact, a portal to such a world:  The Wendy’s crew I watch during this commercial is intelligent and efficient.  I mean, look at all the time they’ve got to observe, editorialize and speculate regarding esoteric topics (one guy on the crew proposes that a particular white-bearded customer is Santa Claus).  Only people that have extreme intelligence and paramount organizational and time management skills could possibly indulge in these behaviors while, all around them, demanding customers are no doubt complaining that their fries are cold and that their goddamn Frosties are melting before they can get them to their table.  So again, I ask myself, did these people work at Google, or Microsoft, or some other tech job (where intelligence and efficiency are employment prerequisities) in a parallel world?  Since they’re calm, cool, and contrite while engulfed the entire time by the maelstrom that is the Wendy’s lunchtime rush, I’m betting they did.

I think it went something like this:  The smart, imperturbable chick with the implied perky boobs and impeccable diction was the parallel world Microsoft’s PR and Marketing VP.  Her non-regional dialect-infused, simultaneous delivery of the details of the holiday Peppermint Frosty deal and the status of the rest of the crew’s zany, albeit high-brow antics confirms this.  The slightly older, hip and savvy dude, who’s the manager at this particular Wendy’s, definitely had to be the brilliant VP of parallel-Microsoft’s R&D.  His ability to accurately discern the quality of Wendy’s products (undoubtedly at the molecular level) while keeping his high-spirited underlings on an operational even keel makes this fact obvious.  The two other guys on the crew – the R&D guy’s subordinates – were clearly parallel-Microsoft programmers.  The limitless sense of wonder and questing ebullience they demonstrate on the Wendy’s floor would surely have translated into creative code-writing solutions to programmatic challenges encountered in their day-to-day lives at parallel-Microsoft.  This is a smart, efficient group.  They’re exhibiting the “vestigial personality traits and mannerisms” of their parallel world lives.  Their presence on my television screen confirms my suspicions: this Wendy’s is a wormhole to a parallel world.

The Uruguayan Bigfoot show comes on, but only a few eyewitness accounts in Spanish (with English subtitles) followed by some shots of a good-sized pile of fecal matter deposited on an unhappy villager’s front porch allegedly by the Bestia Peluda himself (but what could also have just as easily been left by a German Shepherd) are offered in the first 10-minute segment.  Not a lot going on there.  So I decide to abandon the TV and do some of my own field research into wormholes as further support for my newfound belief that parallel worlds do in fact exist.  I remember the wisdom of the guys on the parallel worlds program: where there’s one wormhole, there are probably more wormholes.  Wendy’s, naturally, is my first choice as a for-sure wormhole location candidate.  I head to one not far from my house.

When I walk in to this Wendy’s, the first thing I notice is the crowd.  The place is packed.  I try to ignore the paying customers and focus on the employees.  Even though it’s crazy busy, there are only two people behind the counter manning the cash registers: a girl and a guy.  They’re both young, and they both have hunted looks in their eyes.  I’m concentrating like hell on them: I’m trying to detect vestigial personality traits and mannerisms, but all I’m picking up is frustration and pissed-offedness.  Neither is acknowledging the other’s presence.  When the cash register guy shouts a request back toward the kitchen for three chocolate chip cookies for a customer, a malevolent, disembodied voice shouts back: “Motherfucker, I said we ain’t got none ready.”  Unlike the one from the parallel world on the television commercial, this Wendy’s crew is not collegial.  There’s no evidence of gracile contrition.  The grinning, fanged clown tattoo on the girl cashier’s throat is the only sign of good cheer I can detect from this Wendy’s staff.  I’m pretty sure that this crew never spent years collaborating on a parallel world Windows update, and I know damned well that they never celebrated its rollout together over parallel world cracked crab and parallel world perfectly chilled Dom.  Nope.  Not this crew.  I leave my neighborhood non-wormhole Wendy’s more than a little disappointed.  Parallel worlds exist.  Just not here.  I’ll find another Wendy’s…

This all played ot a few days ago, and, right now, I’m taking a break from thoughts of parallel worlds.  I’m clearing my mind and recharging my batteries (for the many Wendy’s stakeouts I know are to come) by watching an NFL blowout on TV.  There’s under a minute to go.  I’m going to watch the next couple of meaningless snaps, wait for the clock to run out, grab some chips and dip, and catch the late game that’s on next. 

Or maybe I’ll just change the channel real quick and watch a few minutes of “Destination Terror: Real Life Yeti Attacks in Aruba.”

Cheers, and Happy Gardening!

P.S.  For more RGG international restaurant and/or beverage chain adventures, have a read of “Saving the Next Guy from a Dystopian Nightmare.”  It ain’t half bad.

The Renaissance Garden Guy is a participant in the Amazon Associates Program.  As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Please click here to view The Renaissance Garden Guy Disclosure page.

8 thoughts on “Wendy’s: Portal to a Parallel World”

  1. Very good read, really enjoyed…,
    I am not a fast food eater… so I don’t visit McDonald’s and Wendy’s locations…. ❤️🌸

    1. Thank you for giving it a read, Roxxy – I’m glad you liked it. At some point, I suppose I’ll need to follow your example and avoid fast foods myself. In the meantime, I’ll keep using the “I’m looking for wormholes to parallel worlds” excuse as a reason to scarf down way too many milkshakes and fries. Thanks again, Roxxy!

  2. I can see it now. A new investigative series with you visiting Wendy’s locations across the country. In it, you continue to explore your theory. It would get a good five year run on any cable channel!

    1. Great idea, Kevin! So many Wendy’s, so little time – I guess I’d better get started. Discovery Channel, here I come! Thanks for having a read of it, Kevin – much appreciated!

  3. We don’t have Wendy’s over here, but your description towards the end sure sounds a lot like my McDonald’s down the road. (Googling ‘bestia peluda’ as we speak; never heard of that one!)

    1. Lol! You might need to hit a few more McDonald’s to find a wormhole (or at least a friendly cashier), Nenad. Fast food employee disenchantment is evidently an international phenomenon! Sadly, the Bestia Peluda exists only in my imagination. But I’ll bet there really are at least a few miserable McDonald’s and Wendy’s employees in Uruguay!

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

You cannot copy the content of this page.